Thursday, 7 May 2015

Nanny Faraway*


Its late at night now, the day has passed by easy but once i was alone & midnight approached my resolve dropped & the pain of another year gone without my dear nanny has me so sad & the ache thats buried so tightly becomes over bearing & a real acute pain in my whole body. I will never be rid of this feeling when Im most vulnerable & the image of her blonde hair, soft bronzed skin in my most favourite dress she wore pops in my brain. My mind is numb but so wired with memories. My mamas poem 'The Lighthouse' echoes & my heart is thumping with remembering the day you had to leave. The tears are the messy kind* It doesnt get easier. I wish I could say Ive grown stronger to the hurt & absolute devastating heartache I feel when I truly let myself remember you. I tell Jasper about all you did as my Nanny, his beautiful great nanny. We walk past your home, living two minutes away & having Jaspers school friends living scattered around it is a curse & a blessing. Its a comfort to live so close to somewhere so special but nearing the 'Lighthouse' I get such anxious pangs of upset I have to swiftly push down. That home, it holds the greatest most incredible stories, playtime, love & feeling of family. Jasper goes to the same school you sent his Nanna. That too is so lovely, knowing you walked the same school route as I do. I walk those paths with my foot steps in yours & that to me is magic. I really should talk of you more, without tears, without the ginormous lump in my throat. I hope you are as proud of me as you were when I performed ballet recitals, had a successful school photo day, when I overcame some tricky teenage years & when I graduated college. I will always remember you shouting out, still so elegant but almighty proud when my name was called to collect my scroll. You were just beaming & that feeling is bottled within my soul. But thats honestly how I felt every time I saw my incredible Nanny Light. Joan Gladys Light. The most beautiful, adoring, lovable, sweet nan ever known. Truly so beautiful inside & out. An angel who blessed us with many years of immense happiness & love. Every occasion, holiday & visit heaped with perfection. The buffets made at last minute, the phone calls from the box outside on Sugden Road, that dress, playing North, South, East, West in your kitchen, the wooden swing chair, the blossoming flowers, the Laura Ashley stairway carpet, greensleaves playing in the trinket on your vanity, the shopping trips with Grampy in the car; rewarded with a McDonalds & strawberry milkshake & that dance, the last dance etched in my memory that is more powerful than any love song beating to my hearts rhythm. You are my most favourite memory. The most beautiful radiant sunshine in my life that left such a huge presence, such a legacy of family & love. My aspirations as a woman, mother, auntie & eventually Nanna are modelled on you* I miss you always & I know you know. I wish you could embarrass me once more, yodelling to get a cashiers attention, telling me no when I wanted a black velvet crop top & holding my hand through town when I was too young to realise Id never want to let go. My heart is yours. Forever & a day* Love & light. 143*
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