Sunday 25 August 2013

newest piccys*

amazing summer with my darling angels <3<3<3



my sweet girl

After last weeks heartache me & baby dadda decided it would do us some good to have a quality day each with our darlings. He had holiday time off & it has been incredible, relaxed & so lovely having him home everyday. Even though I didnt see him much yesterday & day before we still grouped back as a family for dinner time & snuggled for storytime & Darceys reading each night. I so love this gorgeous man with all my heart (just a side note!) Jasper was very tired & unfortunatly not well on our day together & neither was I so we done indoor activities, played, snuggled infront of a movie & he napped beside me. Huge hugs all day were just perfect. Ducky & I then had a girls day. She has asked me many times before if we could go on a 'double deco' together without Jaspey. (Double decker bus-without Jaspey because we have the buggy with him so dont go up the stairs!!). We went into Brighton on the bus & excitedly each way got on the double decker. Right at the front on the way home, Darcey pretending to drive & marvelling at being able to see so much from so high up. We went on the pier & had such fun on some stupidly expensive rides haha. I was so proud of my lil bugly for going down the super high Helter Skelter on her own & spinning on the tea cups solo. Such a confident little girly now** She was in need of new autumn clothes & we had a great time trying on all her clothes she had helped pick out. Such gorgeous outfits for our gorgeous blondie & everything she chose so suited her. Not one item was pink hehe. She got a beautiful denim shirt that matches mine & some lovely leggings. Shes so teeney tiny & her cute pins are so skinny in her leggings but she looks just stunning. Such a beautiful angel, modelling her clothes confidently & showing off dancing around just made me so so proud of her. She gets so lost sometimes in her moodiness & finds it hard to snap out of a bad grump. But today was just a perfect date day with my lil Ducky. For this & against last weeks stresses this was really a overwhelmingly physical aching happy heart* I now know Darcey will have bad days, they arent always going to be perfectly happy brother & sister but after her words today I know she is in no way against her little brother. I asked her if her boy Smurf toy was her boyfriend (jokes*) & she said no Jasper is. She then asked Jasper if he'd be her boyfriend & marry her. He said yes & she proceeded to show him how to walk down the aisle when they get married. She happily told Jasper if they got married together then they can live together forever. Speaks volumes** 143


those freckles-melt my heart ducky doo

summer blues*

It has taken a week or so to find the words for this post. Its still pretty upsetting to me & so unexpected & out of character that i almost wanted to just push it down & forget about it. But maybe writing it down I can gain some understanding. Last week we had a truly awful week with huge behavioural difficulties from Darcey towards Jasper & I. Infront of her daddy she was her normal gorgeous self, a little moody but she has that lil temperment sometimes anyhow. Gary was still working everyday as was not due his holiday days until this week. I had four exciting days planned with crafts, park, playing, learning, climbing, jumping & even a few trips out for adventures. We had Darcey Wednesday-Sunday the week before & she went home for one day & asked to come back again. It fit in well with my work schedule & we got a yes from Darceys mum so we were very excited to get another long stay with Darcey home. The first evening she was sleepy & bath & bed went well but as she woke Tuesday she was very moody. I assumed she had woken early & was just tired. We had a day at the park & playing chase & football planned with my friend who has children Eddie & Lily that are now good friends of Darcey & Jaspers. That trip went well but as soon as we left the park Darcey became quite nasty & bullying in very subtle ways to Jasper. I asked her to please behave nicer to her brother & her response was so cutting. She said blankly to my face 'What?' So not like her. We had a crafty afternoon & I noticed little sneaky frustrations Darcey was putting on Jaspey. Hiding his favourite crayon or doodling on his drawing. He got very confused with her & asked her why she did these things & she just ignored his words completly. I seperated them & after speaking on the phone to daddy Darceys behaviour picked up & was okay if a little off for the rest of that day. Wednesday morning started bad & after another call from Daddy with strong words of dissapointment Darceys behaviour again changed to what we know from her, happy & excited for our day out in Brighton. She was a bit sullen when we watched an open air movie on Brighton beach, kids classic Ratatoille. She didnt seem interested & so to boost her mood I asked if they would like to go on the Brighton wheel. They both revelled with such delight in this & in our own pod together we had an amazing time. Gorgeous happy photos were captured & my anxiety of the past few days dissapeared. Jasper fell asleep on the bus home & me & Darcey had a giggle & enjoyed each others time. But come Thursday & Friday i was in tears. She was very openly being vicious & mean to Jasper, again stealing his toys & drawing on his pictures. She stole his tomatoes off his plate even though she doesnt really like eating them, she pushed & shoved him when I wasnt looking & had such a poor attitude towards me that it left me very insecure & vunerable. Its amazing to me how much this lil girly can crush my heart & I guess its just so dissapointing as I really try to make sure there is no divide betwen her & Jaspers lifestyles but she just knows it, she knows everything is so different for Jasper. Im so sure now after thinking on it that she is just so very jealous that Jasper gets to live here everyday. He never has to leave his daddy & in her mind possibly has wonderful adventures everyday. He has more family time with his aunties, uncles & Nanna & Gramps than she gets, he knows his friends & is more comfortable with them than she is, she doesnt get to see her friends when shes at daddys. Its all too heartbreaking & understanding her upsets has definately made me view the anger she had so differently. Im not cross with her, Im sad for her to have to have these questions & stresses so young. I think also the fact that its summer holidays & she is so back & forth from her usual routine & stable home that it had a emotional effect on her. Just so so hard. I love my darling Ducky so much & was just so shocked by how sadly our week went. 143 baby girl. ALWAYS always love you with all of my heart** be strong lil one

what is in a name?

Darcey has asked me before why she was called Darcey June. I have told her its the name her mummy & daddy chose for her. Gary cannot remember exact reasoning or memory around her name being chosen. Other than he liked it for his daughter :) We researched alot of names when Jasper was in my belly. My first thoughts were names Id always liked. Jonah, Noah & Issac came to mind, I love biblical boys names. They just didnt suit & Gary was desperate for that ding ding feeling in his heart when a name was said that would be the name we called our son. We liked Colbie as it was our favorite singers name. We liked Eli & Elijah but they werent stand outs for us & Gary loved Tamer. I let him believe it was on the list knowing in the next few months Id never really agree to it. hehe naughty me** Then I came across Jasper on a baby name website. It ment Master of the treasure & I loved that. I loved the way I said Jasper Harrison out loud. I imagined it as his name being called at register & sounding unique but not too far fetched. I imagined him as a baby, child, teenager & man with this name. It went well with each stage & to my mind became perfect. It took a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months to really get Gary dead set on it & then one glorious day he called me from work & said "What about Jasper Casey Harrison". Magic to my ears &  I loved that he had chosen a lovely name for Jasper to be proud of & again researching the meaning of Casey it ment brave. Master of the treasure & brave* Just so fitting. He was set to be a pirate haha!! I still absolutly adore our chosen name for our son. It fits him so well & people always comment on how beautiful it is. The midwife just said mmm...so we have had a fair few hate it aswell. It is set in my heart as such a wonderful memory when in all the trauma & fear in labour when I was taken away from my mum to theatre I said "His name is Jasper when you meet him" & she burst into tears. Such a truly touching, emotional moment I'll always remember. 
Darcey asked me yesterday "Why do people be called other names?" It got us talking about the meaning of our own names & daddy having been given five names haha!! I asked her if she could think of a name she would like to of been called other than Darcey & she said Jasper. Haha, aside from Jasper she'd also like Spiderman Silly Gazman. Jasper said Ironman Gaz. Gary is Captain fantastic daddy & I was Supermummy** Love my darling cherubs they do make me giggle. It made me think back to when I was younger. I was desperate to change my name, I didnt dislike Cara, I just would of liked a few names to go by really. I loved Clara & Claudia & remember having a friend called Natalia & wanting that name for a while too. Im so glad I have my slightly unique easy name now, as I said with Jasper, it seems to fit. 

Friday 2 August 2013

Those bubba eyes*

Too much cuteness...at the park today, Jasper was amongst many children looking up to the sky waving at a helicopter. I watched him from my spying spot* watched his happy, excited little face and he just did the best thing ever that genuinely made me tingle with love, he looked for me to share his joy and shouted "mummy you see it, helicopter*" then went back to waving. I love that he searched the park with his eyes to lock with mine and share that happy moment, my god I love you studley boo*