Sunday, 4 October 2015

Ducky is 8

Its nearing 1am & I am not even tired, I have too much in my brain I want to set down here as it has been far too long since I wrote. And an occasion like the special day just passed definitely needs noting. Our sweet cherub pie Darcey doo turned 8. How is that even here already. I have known her since she was 20 months old, so little & chubby. So giggly & robust. So cuddly & warm. She is all legs now, nearly as tall as me, definitely taller than Jojo & Nanna!! We play dot to dot on her freckles & she has more big girl teeth than baby now. What a crazy journey, but wow what a for-filling one. Being a step mama to this cherub has been so hugely rewarding. Although the bad times have been so destructive the good far out-way it & I can honestly say even these days have made us stronger, closer & the hugs so much tighter. She has a way just now where her hugs have so much depth behind them. She hands them out often & they are the most sincere love she shows. I just adore her smiles with those great big teeth gleaming. The constant silly faces & strange poses when being photographed. The jokes she tells that are so unfunny they become funny. The beauty of her happy face when she has made us proud. Its so incredible to be so blessed in life by a sweet child I chose to love through loving my fiancé, he has given me so much in her & himself. Our family is so solid, our love is the rainbow behind every storm, so immensely huge in its qualities to heal. Together or divided I know she feels secure that our love for her is just overwhelmingly incredible. I love you will never be a huge enough statement to contain the feelings that go with thinking of our bubba Duck. 143 sweet girl. Happy birthday to you xx

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Jasper turns five

I write this on the morning of your birthday waiting for you to wake so we can begin your exciting day of fun in London. I have Ducky behind me watching me type & marvelling at the speed in which I do. She is fidgety & impatient wanting you awake so she too can see your presents that are hidden behind rainbow wrapping & glitter sparkle tissue paper. You chose this yourself with cutest desire for "Something sparkly please mummy, like this." My thoughts are so scattered & as always on your birthday I feel emotional & so incredibly proud reminiscing on the wonderful year we have had. The year that you have had, as a four year old.
You have just started your summer holiday after completing your first year of school. What a ride that's been & how many friends you have by years out is just immense. You have been on a few school trips & had my heart pounding at your first 2nativity. You were confidently, preciously amazing. It's been a hard one at times for you too tho Studley. We had a few battles that you so valiantly destroyed. Whilst living through them, I was not so brave but you my incredible little bubble of love, you always pushed for positivity & love. You are my hero. You made our hearts fill up & spill over with pride & happiness every damn day of the struggles. You are my ray of sunshine & moonlight love. No word will ever be accurate to describe my love for you. No words or song or poem feels powerful enough. The feeling & blessing to be your mama is just astounding & incredible.  To get to write this post to you, my amazing son. I love & adore you Jasper. I happily say you are my everything.  The most beautiful, happy, fun adventure heart. ♡
Your awake now & have devoured your gifts dressed as 'Flash'. Saying "wow" to each one & squielling at the amount of pound coins lined in your card from your cuz Reggie. You have hugged the life out of your new wiggly centipede toy Max already. I have read your new book whilst you play & now it's all about Juggernaut. What a pace to live by. The happiest filled moments. Your truly are an angel studley. I love you. We love you. But hey you know that right!! Haha. Most cherished Bubb ever xxxx 143 birthday boy. ♡♡♡

Tuesday, 16 June 2015


I rarely get an oppurtunity of all of my Harrisons looking groomed, happy & in one place together with a friend or family member to play cameraman. The odd family selfie is okay but i find with these I get the green light from the cherubs for 3 seconds of smiles & then its eye rubs & fake grins from Ducky & an impatient Jaspey. It takes my man at least 10 frames before he stops looking like Chandler Bing in photos too so basically its always 'we try', its mainly 'we fail' haha. But this weekend we got to enjoy our favourite place with my brother & his girly & baby boy Reggie roo. They took pics of us & I of them.
 Alongside this we had a great afternoon stroll in the sunshine, fed the ducks & climbed chalk hills & trees. Swanbourne Lake is just magical for all its beauty & magic hidden in the roots of the trees we clung to to climb & the surrounding scenes of Arundel castle. Plus spending time with my dear family & sweet sweet nephew is so lovely. He giggled away happily, gorgeous little angel. Jasper & Ducky flocking him for cuddles & forehead kisses. Too flaming cute<3

Friday, 12 June 2015

sick day=the BEST day*

This boy, this seriously divine little creature that curls around my limbs & clings to my waist at the most inconvenient, rushed moments, who is being a little bossy & HATES brushing his teeth of late, is my life & soul. He is just such a love bug oozing happiness that I just wanna bottle up. He’s had such a tough week bless him. Friendship falling outs at four years old are painful & falling flat on your face off the obsta-track as he calls it (obstacle course) is also very painful. Poor love of mine. He has bruises & cut up his nose almighty so. I hope it wont scar on his gorgeous freckle spots! He is pretty impressed today at his brave attitude & has been asking for photos of himself over & over haha. I got a call yesterday from his school (always ALWAYS makes me feel overwhelming anxiety instantly) They said he had fallen & would I like to come & see him. I got up there in a flash & he was so brave trying not to cry but failing, I was holding my own tears in until I got outside. I gave him cuddles & explained Darcey done the same at his age & his cuts were way more army like, although she almost lost a tooth with her one!! His tooth actually has got a little wobbly of late so I should check that! Anyway he was wanting to stay for lunch as it was chocolate crumble day. Best ever right! When i picked him up it was more bruised but he was so energised & happy his playdate was still on. But after dinner he was showing signs the cuts were very sore & he was describing a headache. He got very upset about how his week had gone & in truth has been asking me each morning to stop going to school. It all came to a head & my lil man broke down. He needed a day of comfort & activities that were governed by him. He needed a sick day because even though the headache would pass & the sores weren’t too bad in the morning, he at four is too young to suppress such big emotions. So I took the day to spoil, comfort, hug & kiss, squeeze, giggle & hold hands for hours with this baby of mine. I am so glad I took this day for him. He needed it, he needed me. Blessed it is that I can stop time for him. Its an inconvenience I know to some but he really had such a magical day. We woke cuddling, he had breadsticks with yoghurt as dip for breakfast, he chose what he wanted to wear, he chose what he wanted me in too :) we went to visit his favourite tree in Beach House Gardens & he leaped from step to step in the brick work, i gave him confidence & independence in letting him run on ahead further than usual, he had McDonalds for lunch & sweets for the beach, we hunted for crabs under the pier & slowly walked the rock pools, he ran in the sea, as usual fully clothes, he chose a bottle of water as opposed to ice cream!! And we went to the park "For 15 hours please mummy!" Actually stayed for nearly three. He made two new friends & eventually got that ice cream. And to top it off he ate turkey dinosaurs for dinner whilst watching tom & Jerry back to back. It was his very own 'YES' day & he so deserved it. 
My lil love, my absolute heartbeat. I just cherish you sweetheart. The way you are so confident that you are so loved, you are so happy. "Mama Im still handsome even with my cuts!" What a boy. I just friggin adore you Jasper Casey. You make me so happy. That is it really at the end of the day. Me, Daddy, Sissy, all your family,  the world. You shine in our lives. You make us so happy. 143 sweet angel.  My greatest adventure, Jaspey Boo. xx 

oh & also he wore his belt as an accesssory around his waist like super heroes, wouldnt actually wear it to stop his lil jeans hanging low haha! And he keeps calling me lovely because Im always warm when he comes to snuggle in the morning, I think he thinks Im warm just for him haha! 

Saturday, 30 May 2015

this day i love*

It is Jaspeys last half term before the end of school year just now & although we have had a few easy chilled days we also had the greatest adventure, one of the best to date. We were due to be heading to London for the Alice in Wonderland exhibition at the M.o.C & to visit the H.M.S Belfast museum with my auntie Juli but a rail strike made us alter plans. She instead suggested her favourite holiday spots to picnic & tour for the day in the New Forest with my nan joining us too. And it was INCREDIBLE!! One of the spots in Brockenhurst was where we had been last summer for a short break with my mum & dad & the wild ponies roam whilst you picnic. We played bat & ball, chase & ate heaps before heading for the three bridges walk that Juli knows well. It was just insane amazing. Tall trees shading the most beautiful river with Shetland ponies in the distance. The kids climbed a huge fallen tree & hurried over the bridge with my aunt playing the troll from Billy Goats gruff. We had her pooch Merlin with us & he was in the water straight away & no surprise my spirited cherubs followed him in. Waist deep in an instant running wild & free in this amazing space that was so energised & beautiful. I am such a tree hugger, I love nature & am so energised by the outdoors & random wild adventures. This was me in my element too. We found awesome dens built & the cherubs ran through crunchy leaves until we came to the next bridge which was wonderfully framed by sunshine beaming through the opening to more vast fields. There was families laughing & resting. But not overly crowded. It was just the most picturesc idealic location. And to top off the happiness we all felt, the stream was lined with fantastic huge strong trees that had rope swings hanging off them. Four in total but the biggest one was the best. It swung out over the water & was so expertly tied. It swung out so fluidly & both bubbas were not even close to being afraid to get on straight away. They trusted each other immeasurably, helping the other push off & swing high. Then me & Juju had a go. Best moment ever...haha. Reliving childhood memories is my soul food. Being silly, care free & fun, happy & spontaneous. It just felt so good. We collected sticks for a pooh stick race on the bridge, Jasper chucking a great log as his losing branch haha. Horses being ridden crossed the bridge whilst my babies in the water looked on adoringly. This place has my heart now. Its one of OUR spots. My children for sure will remember this trip. It was too immense not to. After our walk we got in the car & had a lil detour to see my nan & Juli's holiday cottage which was set in such beautiful grounds & had the most unusual gate house that was also used as accommodation which I really loved. Just so so pretty* Then we drove to Lefe Beach. It was just stunning. Warm weather & shoes straight off (mine getting left on the sand, I was just so enjoying walking the ground bare & free I forgot to collect them off the beach when we left.) It was directly opposite the Isle of Wight & was just again so scenic & a beautiful location. There was a park & green with view points across where you could see the Spinaker tower in Portsmouth & the edging of Bournemouth beach the other way. The park apparatus was actually really different & fun & Im still aching after trying to be 'cool mama' & hanging upside down on the bars & doing the tightrope! The journey home was cosey & cuddly with my two holding my hand & talking of their favourite part of the day. It was just such a positive, happy day & Im so very grateful for time with my awesome auntie & nanny. The cherubs just adore their great nanny & of course they adore great auntie Juju. She is silly, playful & so so funny & we all just love her entirely for her bonkers ways!!! We are so spoilt with love & adventure from our crazy duo. Perfect perfect day & perfect start of the summer warm weather. More of that now please :):) my toes really loved it haha!! 143

oh & forgot to mention. I fell in love with like ten homes & so many of them were adorned with Wisteria. I have never seen so much of my most favourite flower. I just adore the beauty of all the cottages & the showcase garden & florals*

Thursday, 28 May 2015

macaroni love heart

Update: Sweet cherub Liana Amber is here. The dinkiest most beautiful lil angel arrived safely after a natural birth with little intervention yesterday morning & she weighs 4pd 8oz which is really great for her early arrival. She is super strong & just so wonderfully identical to her beaut mama its gorgeous. We are unable to visit her as unfortunately she has been transferred to the Trevor Mann Neo natal unit in Brighton Hospital as she has a blockage between her stomach & her intestines which will need surgery to take care of. We are all keeping her in the light & sending so much love & am sure she will be rosey by weeks end. Drs are not worried for her & her lungs are strong, she has a feisty spirit already & has already had cuddles, wash & nappy change from mummy so she is doing good despite this. I am so in love with her amazing little face & features. She is so tiny with little folds of skin wrinkled into more wrinkles. She has the same bronzed skin tone as her mama & these luscious big lips, the top one bigger than the bottom. Just the prettiest little thing. Im so excited to meet her & adore her. Telling Jasper & Darcey was incredible, they were so in awe. My sister spoke to Jasper & he just kept saying her name. He is also truly excited that his school friend Lucas is now officially his cousin to him. Because they share the same uncle, auntie & cousin they are now best friends and family (I guess it means they are 2nd cousins) either way he is just so embracing his family & his acceptance & love for them is immense. Being so spoilt for so long hasnt affected him, he is just so excited for relationships with these sweet babies. His cousin Reggie is gonna be his besty & they are so going to protect together their little sweet princess Liana. Ducky really has never been girly with dollys & dress up so Im sure they will all giggle at Liana in her tutus & pink adorable dresses. The way Jasper says her name is just so cute too, he says it like he is so much older & speaking wise words. Its just adorable. Liana has been so longed for after my sister Jo & her husband Dave had to seek help for infertility. Its been such a struggle for them for many years to see their friends becoming families, for becoming an auntie & uncle before they were parents themselves. Its been harder than any of us will ever know & even though my darling sister is superwoman at times, resilient, strong, proud & determined, the pain also was always there. I also just need to give a shout out to to her super strength during labour. She went almost the entire time with no pain relief & only at the end stages had gas & air. My sister is a tiny 4ft 11" & visually not a hulk with iron strength so huge kudos to you amazing sissy. Again being told Liana was breach she was facing the prospect of a caesarean but powered through for the birth story she desired. She made it happen, she was a warrior & Im just so so proud of her. Im itching for an update to see how Liana is doing. I will leave you with this amazingly adorable picture of her. My sweet miracle niece, 
Liana Amber. I LOVE YOU***

BEGIN HERE: As I write this my sister is in labour. It is too soon at only 34 weeks pregnant but she is doing well. Macaroni my sweet angel darling niece is doing well and that's all that is needed for now. The rest will fall in to place. I'm excited to meet this little angel & praise my older sissy for all she did right even when this pregnancy & journey threw so much at her & her husband. After many long years & two icsi trials macaroni finally chose her mama. My sister has longed for a baby since we were little, being our second mama even though there is only 14 months between us. She is the absolute stereotype of perfect sweetheart mummy. Her nature is to be motherly and warm to all & I know seeing her with a child is going to absolutely burst my heart open. My brother in law has always been such a fun, energetic clown to my cherubs. Always ready to play wrestling & chase & always the instigator of mischief haha, so lil princess is going to be so entertained & happy. The joy she has brought already is astounding so I cannot begin to explain how excited i am to be auntie to this little one. "And though she be but little, she is fierce. " this could not ring more true. We always knew really this sweet one was going to shine early. She didn't have a lot of room in her mama's belly from the get go & I know she's as desperate to meet her mama & daddy as they are her. The emotions I'm struggling to contain are 3am thinking about this union are overwhelming.  I will wake up in a few hours to the news of her arrival.  She will be oh so real to the world.  She will have a name & I can count her toes & see if I was right about her hair colour. I'm so incredibly emotional. I know she is going to be such a cherished beautiful spoilt angel born to such a wonderful couple who will now be a family. It's just so so incredible.  My mum & dad will be grampy & nanna to four. Jasper & Darcey will again have a newborn to coo over & boy do they do that good. They are so so sweet & gentle with sweet Reggie pie* it's just so exciting to see our family grow. And to think that just last week she was kicking my hand from the womb. Strong kicks & high fives which were more an insistence of being left to sleep than a welcome greeting of love hehe. 

Macaroni, sweet baby girl, you are so loved. There are just no words that do this justice. You are so cherished already & I cannot wait to give my all to you. I'm the auntie that's not as cool, but will always have ice lollys in the freezer & caring wise words. I'm not as funny but I'm goof ball all the same so you can just laugh at me not with me. I can imagine your face down to the tiny wrinkles & milk spots. Im lying awake thinking of your beauty & love that even you don't know you possess yet. You have already given us so much I cannot wait to love you so right. All my light & heart is with you and mummy right now angel. I love you Macaroni. So very very much. 143. 

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Pickle schnickle pudding pie*

My stud Jaspey boo is nearing five years. This is just insane. How the hell did we get here so quickly? Being in the school routine now has accelerated the speed in which whole months pass by so freely. I just cant believe we have had fifty seven passed on the calenders hung. I remember everything, little details & all the consuming emotions from newborn to now. Photos prompt these memories, lil ways he says stuff in his old toddler like voice, memories drift in from old songs playing that we have danced to. I could while away an evening looking through my old picture albums on the laptop. Triggering palpitations with every scene displayed in the photographs. He is so vibrant & energised in every shot, even the silly blurred ones have such soul beaming from them. I am a picture hoarder, I snap away most days at any sight that inspires me. This week it was his ever multiplying freckles & moles sprinkling his nose & chubby cheeks. He has such an infectious way, his character is sunshine & light in every mood. His happiness is just incredible & he is so amazingly caring & open with his love. He confidently tells me over & over how much he loves me, how handsome I am & asks me how my day was after I ask after his. He has recently learnt what 'ditto' means so is often asking me to tell him that thing...that thing being "I love you" just so he can shout ditto!! He kisses my hand holding his on the way to & from school, he positively glows when he is greeted by me from his nights sleep & at the door at home time from school. Those dimples deepen further for daddy & Ducky when they come home. 
He is massively 'addicted' to his & Duckys newest Lego Superheroes game on the Xbox. He cant do alot from what I gather but he loves getting enough coins to win new heroes. Playing alongside Daddy & sissy for a short while is such an excitement of his. I see his overwhelming enthusiasm for this game & at first felt a threat but he is still so attached to his toys, his teddys & messy play, he isnt on it for hours a day so I will forgive this obsession for it makes him so darn happy. He still loves cars & bikes & has quite the collection of ride on vehicles now thanks to his Uncle Mike & Grampy. He is so in love with all the super heroes of Marvel, learning new characters & his favourite at the moment is Juggernaut. He also is interested in Heman & Shera. He loves to scoot to school & take his remote control car the the beach. He loves playtime. Still loves messy play* His o.o.t.d is always his skeleton tracksuit that is just perfection on this kid. And this weeks newest addition, his poundland fakey crocs, with socks. Worn as soon as he gets in from school as they assist his play & make him stronger apparently! This past Saturday morning (which is what prompted this update strangely), Jasper was snoozing in bed with me, reading his book & tiggling me to get up. He has the softest warm skin in the mornings & sleeps pyjama-less so hugs & tushy bites detour my get up & go. But anyhow, he jumps up, fist pumps the air & then in a superman flying pose heads for the bathroom declaring "Mama, im going for a poo!" With just such gusto energy & oomph. Even just going to the bathroom is a moment for this bubb, a good moment, a fun silly laughable while in his little life. I just bloody love that energy, that positivity. This hilarious remarkable dude who I am so blessed to be Mama to. Who has no idea how relevant he is to my heart ticking over. Or maybe he does but hes so casual about it if so :) 
My words are just not supporting what I am trying to explain, Im not a poet & my hearts emotions just aren’t definable in my poor grammar. I however saw this quote by Nicole Johnson that moved me so, conveys a little as to how hugely blessed I feel to of been given ownership on parenting this sweet adventureheart. It's not always clear we take the right paths, sometimes it feels like we have invested so much & lost ourselves. But so long as I am loving this one so right, he could be my cathedral. My studley boy, Jasper Casey. 143*

hiM & heR

Hes obsessed with lego, marvel lego, chima, ninjago. Well any kind really* (and his computer game!) He sings in tune & has the sweetest little voice. Hes gotten really goofy. You know like when little boys just act silly & raar & jump alot! The cutest geeky moments** His best friendship group is changing but hes not fazed & has new ones in mind. He has a list of potential best mates haha!! He loves his after school club Beefit, the parachute & trampoline are his favourites. He can sign quite a lot of words & enjoys learning more, well done Daddy :) He pulls those silly faces using hands & giggles ferociously when caught. His reading is out of this world incredible #proudmama. He brings home folded up papers with the sweetest notes & pictures scribbled. He is writing sentences in his own way & spelling most how it is said. Most recent one was his 'Krismas' list for later this year!! (haha) He is very active & literally has abs! He loves doing handstands & rolley pollies. He likes cutting paper up & drawing Darcey pictures. Is wanting to help a lot in the kitchen with cooking or serving dinner & is madly in love with chilli wraps & tomatoes just now.
Slightly obsessed again with water beads, slushies & stencilling his hand*

She is wholey becoming a sport fanatic. She loves collecting her match attax cards, seeing if she got a Manchester United shiney. Desperately wants her own football kit & shoes & is doing incredible in her boxing lessons. She is as fast as a cheetah running & loves seeing Nannas horses for a short ride bare back* She loves being in huge open space so on the downs, at a National trust park or at the beach is her most happiest* She is so attached to her teddies & has her favourites that are her cuddle buddies at night. She still likes to have help washing, brushing her teeth & getting dressed. Its not lazy, she just likes to feel looked after. Shes still struggling with her own likes toy wise so is mainly into whatever Jasper is although it differs in  her favourite Lego character, it still seems to be Ironman or Venom. She likes to see photos I have taken of her now but it still painfully shy of having her photo taken. But if I flipagram her a set she is beaming* She loves bowling & is dam good at it! And playing keep me up with balloons. She was so excited to have matching shoes with Jasper & is really into learning about space & the milky way. Asks often to go to London again. Is struggling to show softer emotions recently & is having a tough time but still glimmers with her silly humour* Loves to take the mickey out of accents & hand gestures we all do*

143 cutie tuttis

Nanny Faraway*

Its late at night now, the day has passed by easy but once i was alone & midnight approached my resolve dropped & the pain of another year gone without my dear nanny has me so sad & the ache thats buried so tightly becomes over bearing & a real acute pain in my whole body. I will never be rid of this feeling when Im most vulnerable & the image of her blonde hair, soft bronzed skin in my most favourite dress she wore pops in my brain. My mind is numb but so wired with memories. My mamas poem 'The Lighthouse' echoes & my heart is thumping with remembering the day you had to leave. The tears are the messy kind* It doesnt get easier. I wish I could say Ive grown stronger to the hurt & absolute devastating heartache I feel when I truly let myself remember you. I tell Jasper about all you did as my Nanny, his beautiful great nanny. We walk past your home, living two minutes away & having Jaspers school friends living scattered around it is a curse & a blessing. Its a comfort to live so close to somewhere so special but nearing the 'Lighthouse' I get such anxious pangs of upset I have to swiftly push down. That home, it holds the greatest most incredible stories, playtime, love & feeling of family. Jasper goes to the same school you sent his Nanna. That too is so lovely, knowing you walked the same school route as I do. I walk those paths with my foot steps in yours & that to me is magic. I really should talk of you more, without tears, without the ginormous lump in my throat. I hope you are as proud of me as you were when I performed ballet recitals, had a successful school photo day, when I overcame some tricky teenage years & when I graduated college. I will always remember you shouting out, still so elegant but almighty proud when my name was called to collect my scroll. You were just beaming & that feeling is bottled within my soul. But thats honestly how I felt every time I saw my incredible Nanny Light. Joan Gladys Light. The most beautiful, adoring, lovable, sweet nan ever known. Truly so beautiful inside & out. An angel who blessed us with many years of immense happiness & love. Every occasion, holiday & visit heaped with perfection. The buffets made at last minute, the phone calls from the box outside on Sugden Road, that dress, playing North, South, East, West in your kitchen, the wooden swing chair, the blossoming flowers, the Laura Ashley stairway carpet, greensleaves playing in the trinket on your vanity, the shopping trips with Grampy in the car; rewarded with a McDonalds & strawberry milkshake & that dance, the last dance etched in my memory that is more powerful than any love song beating to my hearts rhythm. You are my most favourite memory. The most beautiful radiant sunshine in my life that left such a huge presence, such a legacy of family & love. My aspirations as a woman, mother, auntie & eventually Nanna are modelled on you* I miss you always & I know you know. I wish you could embarrass me once more, yodelling to get a cashiers attention, telling me no when I wanted a black velvet crop top & holding my hand through town when I was too young to realise Id never want to let go. My heart is yours. Forever & a day* Love & light. 143*

Saturday, 6 December 2014

I'm very aware that most of my posts are usually the positive side of parenting.  The happy beauty we are blessed with as mothers. But like many we have our difficulties.  Our issues with being co-parents for Dàrcey, bedtime tantrums, spoilt behaviour & the exhausting early starts from Ducky.  This week life took it up a notch. I'm writing this as it's the only therapy I know works for me. I'm exhausted beyond belief from the trauma & struggles we as a family have suffered this week. I can actually feel myself stunted writing the next words. We were in a house fire. The huge hurt in my chest is pulsing at the notion. We survived a fire & now we are dealing with the consequences.  I write this in a family room of a hotel our insurance has accommodated us with. It's a nice hotel, it's not a sofa or my brothers bed* (sorry for taking over your home for the week) it's emergency accommodation & I'm not ungrateful for the benefit but it's not home. It's devastating! We have no set plans for our favourite December day. Putting the tree up & shopping for a new bauble or dec. We may not be home in time for Christmas. Our lil home was smoke damaged severely & the basement flat below us where the fire was present is gutted. So until all the repairs, assessments & scary details are hashed out we will be living out of a bag each. We have been so well supported by the dearest friends & family. I am so overwhelmed by how amazing even my newest of friends have been. Jasper has been gifted with brave boy presents, he's had a few sleepovers with his Lil buddy's to help Gary & I & my amazing buddy who I didn't even know before school term started has been incredible to us. Having Jasper for us whilst we had to meet with loss adjusters & take detailed reports on the damage to our home & giving me a place to be when it was school time & i had no place to go.
Jasper my dear sweet angel has been so brave. We woke to the scariest image of a smoke filled home. It was pouring through the carpets & even with our high ceilings it surrounded our home quickly & made it scarily dark. The groggy confusion of waking to this scene & having to make sense of the situation, alert emergency services & try & be calm for him keeps replaying.  We are so very lucky to of woken. We were both suffering smoke inhalation without even knowing & had to be treated in hospital. More so my poor Bubb than me. He had low oxygen & extremely quick pulse.  He showed an adult wise understanding when I explained to him there was a fire when we got out on the front lawn in our dressing gowns, frozen & being watched by school run curiosity. Thank god no-one was in the fire below us & we were the only ones at risk. I will never forget the details of this slow motion horror. My darling Jaspeys face when he had a mask covering half of it, machines on his fingers & blood tests taken. Smiling his unsure smile, wanting reassurance & desperate to be on my lap & safe. He didn't show it then but he's been effected by this. He was too busy giggling at the blow up glove called Charlie Chicken & marvelling at all the fire fighters. Today Nanna asked him what his favourite thing is about the hotel. His stark response has floored me "When we get to go home!!" He had loved staying at Nannas & was so excited for the double beds adjacent to each other that he could jump to & throw on, i stupidly felt he was some what settled. But he wants home as much as we do. He wants his toys & his jammies & his bed. The out of control anxiety is overwhelming. We are safe but sleep is fitful. The worries of what next is too upsetting & like I say we are unsure if we will be in our home for Christmas.  Which has worried both cherubs no end as they are confused as to how Santa will know where we will be. Dàrcey even asked why Santa had let this happen to us. She had to miss sleeping over with us on our access & after having a good chat about the fire & fire saftey to ease her worries she still cried. She said she knows fire can kill & when her mum said she couldn't sleepover as we had a fire she had assumed we had gone. I'm so cross that she wasn't informed properly but also that really this has happened & it happened due to silly negligence that has got to be made aware. It was an accident no less but one that has turned our lives over. The small child who lives below us turned on the hob for his mother's electric oven. It heated up over time & set fire to toys & packages she had on top of her stove. We have lost our home because of such small actions. We almost lost a lot more which is the saving grace in all this that I cling to every single second.  It will be fuel for a better 2015. A better forward & happier times. But as you can imagine the what ifs creep in at points & the surreal, unbelievable events of this past week have sunk me low. I will endeavour to spread the word of fire safety & I am very pleased a lot of friends are listening & have got themselves smoke & carbon monoxide detectors. The smoke alarm did not wake us on this occasion,  once your being poisoned they rarely do. So I can't advocate a carbon monoxide detector enough also.  I don't feel better for writing this so that's shit!! But the awareness is what I must be pro active on, especially in this season when fire hazards are so prevalent.